UNCERTAIN

                      
I'm not sure why I'm sticking around this long, the bus to freedom has come by my heart a million times just today, but I've stayed wrapped in his arms. I stare into his eyes and I see all I don't want to love but my feet wouldn't just take me away; I poured myself a cup of black coffee to clear my head, but the confusion in my head chilled it before I could get a sip. I tried to take a walk, but happy people filled the streets as I strode by, didn't help. Maybe it was the way he stared at me and wiped off the tears from my bleeding heart, or was it the way he smiled at me and warmed up my now cold soul, or could  it be the echoes from his laughter that brought me back from my unending sorrows that ran down the length of my whole body. His love was all too deep; my mind swam in the sea of his whirling love. 
          Dede made it hard for me to breathe air not gotten from all his kind words, we were having breakfast and he did more than cook me noodles and boiled eggs; he warmed my whole body up. Whenever his hands went through my hair it was like fire and gas, it turned me on way beyond biological contact between man and woman; it was like soul on soul, my perfect kind of porn. When we spoke, it was bliss; we bared our souls like pockets being searched for loose change, aggressive but the perfect feeling that accompanies it. He was meant for me , or so I thought, so why didn't I feel certain?
          The dramatic way we slept, he was the 6 and I was the 9, perfect compliments of each other, whole in ourselves but intertwined beyond fix. I wore your love like my best jean, kept your heart in my favorite locket which never went off, had your smile etched in the walls of my heart and your laugh adorned me like jewelry.
          I just couldn't, this love was going to ruin me more than it would make me. I'm going to miss your laugh and how you hugged me like you wanted to break the chains of pain around me,  I loved how we cried when we were happy and smiled when we were sad, but darling my heart isn't strong enough yet, my heart still isn't clothed.
          So I called Dede and suggested we take a break and figure things out, while I allow time stitch up my heart, he didn't like the idea as he worried we were never going to get back together. I went over to see him that night and as we spoke tears fell from his eyes, I kissed his face dry as desert grounds, and we hugged till I could hear his soul pleading for me not to leave, I could not watch my muse break before me, I was going to stay and maybe he would fix my heart, mend my soul and heal my mind.
          Maybe…
          But then it got twisted a whole lot in the middle, it felt like I was hanging around him because of pity, all my love for him had been drained out like water from rice. He hurt me, he really did, he hit me and it broke me into pieces that can only be painted by Picasso. I wanted his first child to be my first child, but all that was hazy now; then why?, why does walking away seem so hard?, why is my heart thumping faster than my chest can take?, why does love have to be this worrisome? *sigh*
          I don't want to be completely out of his life, I want to watch him grow and tend to him like a woman to her garden; but I also can't stand him especially when we're together, it's a fight every waking moment and a teary face as the sun goes down. I cannot go on like this, I just can't. I don't think I was in love with him, I think I was in love with the idea of having someone love me, he was all strawberry and chocolate on the outside but gallons of vinegar on his inside. He had so much negative energy around him and never failed to hose it down my face any chance he got. Maybe we met at a wrong time or maybe I gave too much too quick but whatever the case, we're better off separate; we're like oil and water.
          This one time, just this one time, I'd let my head lead me, my heart isn't compass trained yet. Maybe we'd meet in the future, maybe not, but I'm certain now not a 100% though. So this is me walking away, head down, clothes drenched with tears, leg barely able to make the walk back home; but I'm safer on my own.