Last night I woke up, drenched in sweat, gasping for air, I searched the other side of the bed for Papi and he wasn't there; oh it's Friday, I thought, he is with all those Ikeja road side girls, but why would he go all the way from the island to the mainland to get some? So I stood up and once again clothed in low self esteem I went in front of the mirror and let my night robe drop to the floor, I searched frantically for the praises everyone reigned on my body, but instead I saw a sea full of flaws; well I'm not good enough...
That morning my friends came visiting and we all had breakfast together, surprised at the variety of meals I had prepared, one of them asked, Ha! What's the problem, you only cook this much when you're sad?, I'm fine let's eat and get to talking, I said drily. I and my friends had the most intense discussion of our 20-years friendship, funnily directed towards just me, letting me know the importance of self-knowldge, self-love and self-acceptance; I was all the while thinking of a body reconstructive surgery or at least new set of lingeries to make the hubby pleased, I missed him smiling from ear to ear when we had baths together and using his fingers to trace the lines of my body with immense satisfaction.
Did he stop loving me or did I simply stop trying? Could it just be me staging these scenes of unwant in my head? Was I not as enough as he claimed I'd always be? When did I just become the wife and not his ALL ? I probably pushed him away like I did every one in my life eventually.
I resolved to learn to love my self, see myself through his eyes and just bask in the euphoria of his wholesome love and almost immediately i heard the shattering of a glass and i woke up; there he was, bringing breakfast for me in bed, my favorite, pancakes and a glass of cold mixed fruit smoothie, his eyes always knew how to pierce through my soul and let me know he'd never leave. Baby, he called, smiling from ear to ear, I watched you sleep last night and it looked like you were having one of those your self-esteem issue dreams,I hope the glass shattered this time. He placed the tray carefully on our bed, pecked me and went to wake the kids.
How did he know???
That morning my friends came visiting and we all had breakfast together, surprised at the variety of meals I had prepared, one of them asked, Ha! What's the problem, you only cook this much when you're sad?, I'm fine let's eat and get to talking, I said drily. I and my friends had the most intense discussion of our 20-years friendship, funnily directed towards just me, letting me know the importance of self-knowldge, self-love and self-acceptance; I was all the while thinking of a body reconstructive surgery or at least new set of lingeries to make the hubby pleased, I missed him smiling from ear to ear when we had baths together and using his fingers to trace the lines of my body with immense satisfaction.
Did he stop loving me or did I simply stop trying? Could it just be me staging these scenes of unwant in my head? Was I not as enough as he claimed I'd always be? When did I just become the wife and not his ALL ? I probably pushed him away like I did every one in my life eventually.
I resolved to learn to love my self, see myself through his eyes and just bask in the euphoria of his wholesome love and almost immediately i heard the shattering of a glass and i woke up; there he was, bringing breakfast for me in bed, my favorite, pancakes and a glass of cold mixed fruit smoothie, his eyes always knew how to pierce through my soul and let me know he'd never leave. Baby, he called, smiling from ear to ear, I watched you sleep last night and it looked like you were having one of those your self-esteem issue dreams,I hope the glass shattered this time. He placed the tray carefully on our bed, pecked me and went to wake the kids.
How did he know???
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