So guys, I'm back to clear the strong Cobweb's I've let build in here and you can tell me how often you want to read from me.😩
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As much as I want to be loved right now, I know how I should be treated; With my rolls, stretch marks (tiger stripes) and legs thick enough to hit a human being, love should drench me nonetheless.
I grew up as the only kid, from my view, with least number of friends, friends including just family friends, which in all honesty doesn't count. I've been called the ugliest of names and ruining my surname till date is the least of them, it felt like I was on a constant path of hate and wore an oversized T-shirt saying "Ridicule Me, Please!"; if there was one question I asked all too often it was "GOD, why you make me?".
With compulsory love from family and affiliates, self esteem long burnt by my overwhelming inadequacies (now I know I was looking into the wrong mirror), I set out into the cold world. "Being left out" was a normal occurrence for me, never fit in, never did it right, wasn't a girly girl. Oh but GOD knows I tried, mom even helped, cooked better meals, gave me a little more money for break than I needed.
The next phase of my life wasn't a tad different; I lost everyone I cared about. My Dad, My Sis(I don't talk about this much, words can't convey the hurt), Friends, First Boyfriend who left me for his Ex. How could you even explain to a teenager that she had to live without her Dad and sister (bestfriend and only person who understood her), no friends and no self love, no way right? Exactly.
I was unsure who I wanted to be, although I had a book full of what I hoped to be and a career imposed on me; I was lost to put it mildly and the experiences which I'm now aware was and is to make me stronger, made it worse on me.
Am I at a "better place"? Maybe not there yet, but gradually, it's a journey of self discovery and self love amidst the truck load of hate, I've had to convince myself I'm worth loving while not ignoring my flaws but magnifying my strengths, speaking to myself in the mirror occasionally and understanding that people's lives are tied to my come up story and I can't let them down and out.
So believe me when I say I know how I should be loved, I've tasted both hate and love, the latter a lot more extreme and deeper than the first; I know how love should feel and to say the least it should sooth my pain and heal my sores.
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