The Almost Love

He was my hallelujah, the answer to my prayers, and the reason behind the 7 scars spread across my body. He would lift up holy hands to heavens, and lay them so violently on me. “I love you” he said at dawn and “oh don’t cry my love, I’m sorry” as the sun set. 

And for every time he laid his hands on me, my heart broke a piece; because how can you claim to love someone and cause them so, oh so much  pain. But listen, wait! what if he was trying to help me become stronger, you know make me ready for life’s battles and all the uncertainties it comes with. I mean what love is perfect, right? 

How didn’t I see a pattern here, that I was giving and giving all of myself till I was parched and got not a drop of love back in return, is this what love has become to me? A pool of pain to drown in and only come up for love as little gasps of air; but he loves me I promise he does. So I guess living in pain and constant fear is a small price to pay to be with the love of my life. 

 

It was day, I don’t know, I think 77 of the constant beating, eyes swollen shut, legs in a cast and arms to sore to lift; I wanted to run away, but I couldn’t at least not in this state. It finally dawned on me, Love should give you freedom, but I had unwillingly signed mine over; and not because I didn’t know any better, but in this day and age, better to be in love and alone, right?

I know how love should make me feel- safe, secure, peaceful and you know happy. I wanted that, in fact every single broken bone in my body needed that. To be adored in a way that healed my pain and caused my growth. So today I solemnly swear to walk away from love that makes me feel like less, that brings tears to my eyes, that brings about self doubt and makes me shy away from the light.